Going shopping with your girlfriend is a good way to score some points but a better way to to hate your life for a few hours. Through years of trudging through department stores with various females I’ve picked up a few techniques that’ll make your significant other think twice about asking you to tag along for a trip to the mall…
10. Tickle her… constantly – Playful yet frustrating, this method makes you look cute without making her hate your guts. When she reaches for a shirt or picks up a bag throw in a quick tickle and watch her writhe in laughter in the middle of the store and then immediately shoot you a dirty look. Follow that look with the line “I just wanted to see you smile.” Works like a charm.
9. Dance obnoxiously – At every available opportunity, bust out your most animated dance moves to the tune of whatever bogus soundtrack is playing in the store. Can you really get mad at someone for gettin down and dirty? Hells no. Sometimes you just gotta dance. She’ll be thoroughly embarrassed and you’ll keep your mind of the monotonous clothing selection process… Win/win.
8. Make her an accomplice – Pick up small items in stores and plead with her to stuff them into her purse for you. Say things like “my taxes paid for this shit” and “if they didnt want you to steal it, they’d tell you when you enter the store.” Unless she’s a certified klepto she’ll be appalled and exit the store immediately. And should she go along with it and get caught, at least it was in her purse and not your pocket…
7. Eat until you explode – Stopping at every pretzel/teriyaki/lemonade/hot dog/cinnamon bun/etc vendor when walking through the mall will not only allow you to enjoy some fine cuisine, but also slow her down in between stores causing guaranteed infuriation. Complain that “shopping just makes me hungry” and express your desire to try a little bit of everything. You’ll find yourself walking to the car faster than you can say ‘churro.’
6. Gay it up – Using your best Mario Cantone impression, gab incessantly about how fabulous every item she tries on looks. Nothing aggravates a woman more than seeing her spouse as a completely un-masculine figure so make sure to pour on the accent and hand gestures REAL thick. Also try stopping at every mirror, fixing your hair, and saying “ugh i am like, soooo fat.”
5. Sulk – Though women expect it from you, they still don’t appreciate dragging you your feet, staring at the ground, and sighing loudly every time you move. Put your hands in your pockets instead of holding hers and lay down on the floor while she tries things on. Never admit to being bored, just tired. Your level of disinterest is equivalent to her level of frustration so really sell your misery (it shouldn’t be that hard…).
4. Mistake Identities – Every time you see a creepy stranger, grab your girl’s hand and drag her over to meet your ‘old friend.’ With your most assured tone, try to convince the stranger that you met at a rave/bar mitzvah/monster truck rally/opera/etc. You’re sure to make everyone uncomfortable and, as long as you can keep from laughing, your girl will be thoroughly embarrassed to be seen with you. Success.
3. Fake a Seizure – Yeah, it’s a little fucked up, but sauntering through Ann Taylor will make you do some desperate things. Seizures are pretty easy to fake… just fall limp to the ground and start shaking violently. Doing this in a crowded area will draw some serious attention so make sure to snap out of it before paramedics are called or you’ll have to deal with some tough questioning. Play it off like the mixture of perfumes in the air triggered something in your brain and you’ll be kept far from public places for as long as you’re dating.
2. Take It Too Far – Wanna really traumatize your girlfriend? While she’s in the changing rooms grab a skanky dress or blouse and get a dressing room for yourself. Convince the employee by saying you need to wear it for a talent show. When your girlfriend sees you wearing a sparkly miniskirt she’ll likely grab her things and haul ass for the exit. Mission accomplished.
1. Beat Her At Her Own Game – Though it’s quite arduous, stop in every clothing store trying on multiple outfits asking if you look fat in them and not buying anything, have long meaningless conversations with the clerks in the video game stores, and spend brutal amounts of time trying on sunglasses and hats. Girls want these shopping trips to be all about them, so when you turn the tables they’re bound to get aggravated FAST. Who knows, you might even find something cool and make the trip not completely a waste.
So there you have it. Ten ways to give the women of the world a big ol FUCK YOU for countless hours of unbearable treachery spent carrying bags of crap through shopping malls. Though we can’t have those hours back, we can make damn sure that our girls are full aware of our disinterest. Sure, you might get yourself dumped but if she leaves you mid-shopping trip, keep in mind that the mall is also a good place to pick up chicks.
