Last night I had a dream that I was chained to a wall while Jeff Goldblum and Carson Daly punched me in the stomach repeatedly until I could tell them what I had for lunch every day last week.
I just might be losing my mind…..
Going shopping with your girlfriend is a good way to score some points but a better way to to hate your life for a few hours. Through years of trudging through department stores with various females I’ve picked up a few techniques that’ll make your significant other think twice about asking you to tag along for a trip to the mall…
10. Tickle her… constantly - Playful yet frustrating, this method makes you look cute without making her hate your guts. When she reaches for a shirt or picks up a bag throw in a quick tickle and watch her writhe in laughter in the middle of the store and then immediately shoot you a dirty look. Follow that look with the line “I just wanted to see you smile.” Works like a charm.
9. Dance obnoxiously - At every available opportunity, bust out your most animated dance moves to the tune of whatever bogus soundtrack is playing in the store. Can you really get mad at someone for gettin down and dirty? Hells no. Sometimes you just gotta dance. She’ll be thoroughly embarrassed and you’ll keep your mind of the monotonous clothing selection process… Win/win.
8. Make her an accomplice - Pick up small items in stores and plead with her to stuff them into her purse for you. Say things like “my taxes paid for this shit” and “if they didnt want you to steal it, they’d tell you when you enter the store.” Unless she’s a certified klepto she’ll be appalled and exit the store immediately. And should she go along with it and get caught, at least it was in her purse and not your pocket…
7. Eat until you explode - Stopping at every pretzel/teriyaki/lemonade/hot dog/cinnamon bun/etc vendor when walking through the mall will not only allow you to enjoy some fine cuisine, but also slow her down in between stores causing guaranteed infuriation. Complain that “shopping just makes me hungry” and express your desire to try a little bit of everything. You’ll find yourself walking to the car faster than you can say ‘churro.’
6. Gay it up - Using your best Mario Cantone impression, gab incessantly about how fabulous every item she tries on looks. Nothing aggravates a woman more than seeing her spouse as a completely un-masculine figure so make sure to pour on the accent and hand gestures REAL thick. Also try stopping at every mirror, fixing your hair, and saying “ugh i am like, soooo fat.”
5. Sulk - Though women expect it from you, they still don’t appreciate dragging you your feet, staring at the ground, and sighing loudly every time you move. Put your hands in your pockets instead of holding hers and lay down on the floor while she tries things on. Never admit to being bored, just tired. Your level of disinterest is equivalent to her level of frustration so really sell your misery (it shouldn’t be that hard…).
4. Mistake Identities - Every time you see a creepy stranger, grab your girl’s hand and drag her over to meet your ‘old friend.’ With your most assured tone, try to convince the stranger that you met at a rave/bar mitzvah/monster truck rally/opera/etc. You’re sure to make everyone uncomfortable and, as long as you can keep from laughing, your girl will be thoroughly embarrassed to be seen with you. Success.
3. Fake a Seizure - Yeah, it’s a little fucked up, but sauntering through Ann Taylor will make you do some desperate things. Seizures are pretty easy to fake… just fall limp to the ground and start shaking violently. Doing this in a crowded area will draw some serious attention so make sure to snap out of it before paramedics are called or you’ll have to deal with some tough questioning. Play it off like the mixture of perfumes in the air triggered something in your brain and you’ll be kept far from public places for as long as you’re dating.
2. Take It Too Far - Wanna really traumatize your girlfriend? While she’s in the changing rooms grab a skanky dress or blouse and get a dressing room for yourself. Convince the employee by saying you need to wear it for a talent show. When your girlfriend sees you wearing a sparkly miniskirt she’ll likely grab her things and haul ass for the exit. Mission accomplished.
1. Beat Her At Her Own Game - Though it’s quite arduous, stop in every clothing store trying on multiple outfits asking if you look fat in them and not buying anything, have long meaningless conversations with the clerks in the video game stores, and spend brutal amounts of time trying on sunglasses and hats. Girls want these shopping trips to be all about them, so when you turn the tables they’re bound to get aggravated FAST. Who knows, you might even find something cool and make the trip not completely a waste.
So there you have it. Ten ways to give the women of the world a big ol FUCK YOU for countless hours of unbearable treachery spent carrying bags of crap through shopping malls. Though we can’t have those hours back, we can make damn sure that our girls are full aware of our disinterest. Sure, you might get yourself dumped but if she leaves you mid-shopping trip, keep in mind that the mall is also a good place to pick up chicks.
This friday is the 4th of July, so in honor of our proud nation’s independence, I’m posting not two, but THREE doodles, completely unrelated to anything patriotic or celebratory.
See ya when the USA turns 332.
Sam Brown’s EXPLODINGDOG cartoons employ similar humor to many of today’s web sketchers. His ability to blend adult intellectual themes with childlike images and characters so seamlessly makes for a witty, addictive cartoon for the Far Side generation (RIP Gary Larson, we’re still crackin up). While I prefer black medium point sharpies he differs between the electronic drawing tablet and good old fashioned pen and paper.
So, what’s the difference between a successful internet based cartoonist and a struggling geek hustlin for a laugh?
Merchandising.
Among other things (notoriety, artistic ability, dedication, etc.), merchandising is what sets Sam Brown apart from the cornucopia of low-level doodlers like myself. Before you can convince the uber critical internet community that your crap is more worthwhile than everyone else’s crap, you first have to convince yourself. EXPLODINGDOG has taken advantage of it’s marketability and recognition by branding t-shirts with various images and custom prints of his drawings. You may say, “so what, everyone’s got that shit.” Well, maybe they do, but not everyone has their graphics plastered on iPods, cell phones, and laptops across the country. EXPLODINGDOG does. Recently the doodle pro landed a deal with MusicSkins, offering two of his graphics custom fitted to any iPod, laptop, and cell phone. While rival artists offer the standard merch package (tshirt, hoodie, mug, blah blah blah) Brown has a unique product for fans to cling on to in support of their lovable laughmaster. The skins are sleek, stylish, and fully removable. Electronic media has become an enormous venue for marketing which MusicSkins has taken advantage of by offering exclusive designs from artists, bands, rappers, and models that look incredible, protect from scratches and dings, and set your electronics apart from the sea of generics.
Check out the EXPLODINGDOG skins at www.music-skins.com/explodingdog and show some love for a modern artist making things happen and making people chuckle.
If i was a rapper, my name would be THA FLOWBOT.
It’s ok, I’m a half-jew, not an anti-semite.
if it rains one more day in New York City this summer when I’m walking around trying to enjoy myself I”m going to have one of those hat umbrellas permanently attached to my head. I just cant take it any more….
Just when I thought the only good things comin out of Europe were Ferraris and Heineken, I came across two badass bands from across the atlantic pumpin out some fresh new rock. In Flames, a swedish metal quintet and The Fashion, a Denmark funk-punk group, recently caught my ear and have me hooked. I was wandering around the village monday night when i happened across a gathering of people outside the Annex clamoring to see a band I was unfamiliar with (The Fashion). I popped into the crowded bar for a minute and witnessed them performing their catchy as hell single “Like Knives.” I loved it the same way I loved the Hives when I first heard them… it’s the kind of music where I can’t tell if they’re very foreign or very talented, but I settled on talented. In Flames, on the other hand, was referred to me through my buddy Fridge, a certified metal-head. When a dude with Gwar, Sabbath, Primus, and Mastodon tattoos says your metal band is kickass, your metal band is kickass. In Flames embodies everything I’ve come to love about post-metallica metal… they’re loud, fast, mean, and HARD. They’re quite simply the best, most original metal band I’ve come across since Kodiak Bear Regiment.
So what do these seemingly unrelated bands have in common? Well, they’re both making mature, progressive music that I wouldn’t expect to come out of such remote areas - they’re both on extensive summer tours (The Fashion is touring the states with Alkaline Trio, In Flames is canvassing Europe) - they’re both racking up devoted groupies both in the US and abroad at an alarming rate - and they’ve both got custom merch available throgh MusicSkins. In Flames and The Fashion each have deals with this company to produce limited edition iPod, laptop, and cell phone skins featuring their artwork. It seems that more and more bands are hopping on this trend of selling unique merchandise to separate themselves from the standard t-shirt-hoodie-cd package that most bands have to offer. These ’skins’ look badass and don’t leave any sticky shit behind when removed. Check em out at www.music-skins.com where they’ve got a ton of rappers, bands, models, and artists… each with exclusive graphics and sweet designs. Also, make sure to check out The Fashion with Alkaline Trio in the states and In Flames if you’re in Europe this summer.
Crack kills, heroin is where it’s at.
Ahhh doodles, how i’ve missed you…
Click… Click… Boom.
Wit so much drama in the G-Unit it’s kinda hard still pretendin that I give a shit. But I, some how some way, keep hearin new beef wit Fif and Buck like every goddamn day….
Seriously though, I understand where all of the tension is comin from (50 bailed Buck’s ass outta trouble when he couldn’t handle his taxes) but this beef is never gonna end now that Buck is gettin down with Game. Come on now, Buck… how you gonna play yourself like that? You gonna ruin a relationship that got you a dope album(Buck The World KILLS), mad publicity, and a spot in (arguably) the hottest rap group out right now, just cuz you bein stubborn. T.O.S. was gonna put Buck back on top and reaffirm the Unit as the hardest cats in town but now instead of being associated with everything they do he’s gonna be compared to the Unit at all times. For real, Buck The World bumps harder than any rap album I’ve heard in years, and I’ve been lovin Buck’s verses from Beg For Mercy, but I lost a lotta respect for him when he immediately ran to do work with Game after the 50 fallout. There is no greater insult in this rap world than doin business with your boy’s enemy. Hopefully that purple drank just got to his head and he can clean up his act and squash the beef.
Where’s the love, dawg? I’ll tell ya where it’s at… Miami. Rumors are that Rick Ross and Foxy Brown will be announcing their ENGAGEMENT within the next few days. That’s somethin I did not see comin. I don’t know who’s upgrading here…. Foxy’s lookin fine as ever even after gettin outta the pen while Rick’s lookin, well, jolly. Even with the Kimbo beard he’s got certified hits down south sellin records across the country, which Foxy might be tryin to get down with. Maybe I’m a cynical little punk and it’s true love… who knows. What I do know is that Foxy just released some fresh new iPod skins with the artwork from her new album Brooklyn’s Don Diva through MusicSkins. They got a picture of her hoppin out the Bentley in some sexy threads made to custom fit your iPod, iPhone, or laptop to make it look fly and show ya love for the homegirl. Check em at www.music-skins.com and support the shorty learnin a thing or two from her man about Hustlin’.
Congrats to Foxy and Rick. Let’s hope 50 and Buck can settle this peacefully.
Holla.
Every year the Central Park Summerstage is more kickass than the last. I remember seeing the Beastie Boys rock out last year with their enormous arsenal of hits and Common hypin up the crowd playing fresh tracks off Finding Forever, one of Kanye’s best production jobs to date in my mind. This year is lookin to be just as awesome. My plan is to catch Vampire Weekend on saturday and Thievery Corporation later on in the month. I’m still a little mad at Vampire Weekend for bailing on Langerado in favor of Saturday Night Live but if they put on a hell of a show this weekend I MIGHT forgive them. I expect Thievery Corporation to to be nothing less than outstanding. They never fail to deliver that funkadelic break-rock that you just can’t find anywhere else. The DC duo created a unique style that reflects their mood and message and their artwork follows suit. I liked the “Versions” album art so much that after scannin the web for a bit I picked up a vinyl skin with the graphic for my laptop from MusicSkins. It’s a bigass vinyl sheet with their artwork on it that fits perfect and doesn’t leave any sticky shit on my cover. They’ve got mad designs and make em to fit every iPod so i’m pretty stoked. See ya at SummerStage… I’ll be the cat rockin out havin a blast, but then again won’t we all?
Pretty hot, right? I know. Check em out at www.music-skins.com.
Ya diggggg.
Escape the heat with a dope drumbeat.
